The Boomerang Generation — otherwise known as adult children who move back in with mom and dad due to the hardships of today’s economy. Typically these boomerangs are 20-somethings who are facing financial and career challenges, but with the economic downturn of the past few years, adult children of all ages have been looking to mom and dad for a place to live.
But what happens when it’s the aging parents who need their adult child to move back home in order to assist with household and self-care duties? This “new” trend is quietly building. In days gone by and especially in other cultures, extended families sharing one home has been quite common place. Only in the past several decades of excess wealth, available real estate and affordable housing has it become de rigor for couples and their own children to live separately.
There are advantages to moving back home with mom and dad, no matter your age:
- Cost. Obviously, sharing the costs of living can be a great relief to all parties involved.
- Friendship. When mom and dad are elderly and you are “of a certain age,” a connection can be forged that was previously unattainable. This is the time to get to know your parents from a different angle, to see them as the true people and adults they are – their likes, dislikes, passions, causes, etc.
- Kinship. If you have children of your own–no matter their age(s)–this can be a great gift to all involved, as your mom and dad get to know your children and your children get to know your folks. This relationship could never blossom so completely in any other realm.
- Growth. Have you been eager to take a class or escape with your friends to the opera (or just for a glass of wine/whine) one night a week? Let your mom and/or dad take care or your younger children while you take care of yourself. The energy from your child or children is good for your parents, who may previously have been uber-focused on their aches and pains and aging until you and your younger brood arrived.
- Knowledge. Take this time to create your family tree and learn your history. This is a time in life that can never be replicated. Use it to its fullest.
Of course, no situation is perfect, and there are also possible stressors to consider in the event you and your parents end up under the same roof in a later stage of life. These include:
- Cost. Consider the possibility that you or your parents may have very tight financial constraints, especially depending on the circumstances that are drawing you together. If you are undergoing a personal crisis (job loss, divorce, death of a spouse), you need to make certain you have enough money to cover your needs and your parents’ needs in the event someone runs out of funds down the road. Conversely, have the same talk about funds with your folks. How are they for cash? If they are covering you while you go through a tough time, make sure that they have enough money to go forward for all of you, at least for a set period of time until you can get yourself back to work.
- Emotions. Living with older relatives is not easy. They have their own, comfortable, and sometimes inflexible patterns. Moreover, adult children may find themselves regressing when living under the same roof as the very people who used to tie their shoelaces.
- Reality. If your new living situation dictates moving into your parents’ house, you may find yourself looking forward to relishing a bit of your childhood experiences, but the reality is that your parents are now aging. Your mom may not be able to cook for you like she used to. In fact, you may be sharing the cooking duties to help out. If one or both of your parents are ill, they may not even act in the manner you are used to. Don’t set yourself (or your parents) up for disappointment by expecting something unrealistic.
- Work. Living with older people is a lot of work. Your parents will have doctors’ appointments to get to, prescriptions to take on schedule and to keep refilled, plus a household to run.
- Kids. If you have your own children, make sure to consider whether or not this living arrangement will work for them and their needs, and whether you will have the energy needed to give to all parties.
- Change. If you decide to move your mom and dad into your own home, they are likely to go through a period of sadness about moving out of their home. Expect some resistance and a certain amount of discomfort on their end. Remember, they spent a lifetime in a home of their own.
I tell my clients who are considering merging households with their aging parents to go into the situation with an open mind and heart, and to set themselves up for as much success as possible by anticipating possible hurdles. Always discuss all financial arrangements ahead of time. Don’t just expect these things to work themselves out. They won’t. Also, set up a household plan. Who will be in charge of cooking, of getting the mail, of cleaning the bathrooms, watering the plants, walking the dog, etc.? Include your kids and your parents where possible to make everyone feel cohesive. Take time for yourself by seeing friends, getting away to a bookstore, going for a walk or a coffee. Finally, once you commit to this idea, lay out a definitive trial period at which point all parties can openly reassess how they feel the situation is working.
Certainly, this is not an arrangement I’d recommend to everyone, but it may very well turn out to be the greatest part of your adult life, as you create a whole new and enhanced relationship with your parents.
If you are considering a new living arrangement with your aging parent, I’d love to hear about it. Please email me at movingparents[at]bellsouth[dot]net.
All my best,
Scott
[Rabbi Scott Saulson, Ph.D.]
